Fight or Flight?
The other morning as I sat in our backyard, I saw two examples of nature reacting to fearful situations. One creature chose to fight. The other took flight. It made me grateful that I have a third option.
Fear is one of the issues dealt with in the new book I’m working on with my co-author, Veronica Sites. It’s tentatively titled, What’s in Your Suitcase—A Journey From Wounded to Wholeness: How to Heal from Childhood Trauma.
We’re writing this book to help those with childhood wounds find a path toward wholeness. Here are a few paragraphs we’re sharing about fear.
Challenging Our Fears
Having experienced sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, Ginnie had learned to wall herself off from others. When abuse happened, she would emotionally separate herself from her abusers because it seemed to lessen the pain of their violations.
Ginnie winced. “One night during our singles’ group meeting, I mentioned to Marisa that I never seemed to hear about our social events. Marisa said, “I thought you weren’t interested in our get-togethers. To be honest, you always seem to have it all together, and appear like you don’t need friends.”
“I felt like Marisa had punched me in the stomach,” Ginnie said. “I recognized that I regularly wall myself off from others because, as a child, it helped me cope with my trauma. I did it because I didn’t want to relive the pain of being out of control, of not ever knowing when the abuse would come—the fear of not being able to trust anyone.”
Ginnie’s brown eyes smiled. “Now, however, when I catch myself putting up walls, I let myself feel the residual fear, then challenge the emotion with a specific action or thought. For example, if I’m in a group and cross my arms, it signals that I’m still keeping people at a distance. Now, I’m beginning to stand up to those fears by reminding myself that I’m no longer that little girl. God has freed me from needing those coping mechanisms. That lets me drop my arms, take a deep breath, and relax.
“I’m taking small steps.” Ginnie pulled in a breath. “I wanted to get to know Marisa better, but wasn’t sure how to do it. So, I baked a batch of cookies for her and added a thank you note for her honest remark the previous week. I asked if we could meet for coffee the following Saturday. We did. Learning to trust others and how to be a friend isn’t a one-time event,” Ginnie said. “It’s a process. I’m taking it one step at a time.”
Like Ginnie, I too have seen that, after recognizing the fears that keep me from opening up to God and others, I can now confront those fears by taking small, specific steps in learning to trust others.
At first, this all seemed overwhelming to me. I needed those further along in their journey to remind me that recovery is a process. We can focus on one area at a time, trusting God to accomplish His good work in us. Philippians 1:6 reminds us that God is the one who does the completing. “…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
With God’s reparenting, we can learn to set healthy boundaries and stay on the path as we follow the trail to its heights. That will allow us to pull fresh air into our lungs and gain new perspectives.
To prompt our continued growth in wholeness, the next chapter will touch on how we can learn to focus on progress not protection, what it means to forgive those responsible for our trauma, and if or when we should confront those who harmed us.
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